Diary of a snow shoveler

[easy333]

Diary of a snow shoveler
>
> December 8 - 6:00 PM
>
> It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our
> cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
> drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic
we
> felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
>
> December 9
>
> We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of
> the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
> the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled
for
> the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway
> and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the
> sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
> perfect life!
>
> December 12
>
> The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbour
> tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
> Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
> winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
> possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
>
> December 14
>
> Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The
> cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed
> up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow
> came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I
> would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back
in
> shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
>
> December 15
>
> 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
> for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants
> a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We
> aren't in Alaska, after all.
>
> December 16
>
> Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting
> down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
> very cruel.
>
> December 17
>
> Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was
> off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
> but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought
> a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
> can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
>
> December 20
>
> Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
> night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried
> to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
> hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see
> about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
> March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
> have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
>
> December 22
>
> Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
> sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took
> me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
> piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too
tired
> to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the
> winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the *sshole is lying.
>
> December 23
>
> Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
> decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
> didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
> she's lying.
>
> December 24
>
> 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I
> was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
> that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him
to
> death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for
> me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles
an
> hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted
> me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
> busy watching for the damn snowplow.
>
> December 25
>
> Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed
> in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then
> the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
> head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
> fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
> I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
>
> December 26
>
> Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
> She's really getting on my nerves.
>
> December 27
>
> Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours
> of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
>
>
> December 28
>
> Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
>
>
> December 29
>
> 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
> That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
>
>
> December 30
>
> Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for
a
> million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
> shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.
> Nine more inches predicted.
>
> December 31
>
> I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
>
>
> January 8
>
> Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why
> am I tied to the bed?